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rosaparking:

babies need to shut the fuck up and get a job

railroadsoftware:

person: so what have you been up to
me: (speaking very humble) well, I just got some new carpet.. it’s plush…
person: (trying not to sound envious) pl… plush? wow. I hear thats the nicest of all carpets
me: oh it’s nothing..

unclefather:

urtube:

unclefather:

urtube:

I’m probably going to fast this year

How fast are you going?

No food

I misunderstood

andrejpejicjimmyvegafanfic:

boyfriend: hey baby i have to cancel our date tomorrow something came up

girlfriend: oh i’m just small potatoes. i’m not that importance.

boyfriend: -_-

coconut-coffee:

my wallet needs to be as thick as my thighs

spookyscandal:

can i make it any more obvious?

spookyscandal:

can i make it any more obvious?

fuckinggirlpower:

for someone who hates boys i really really like boys

bellecosby:

this bitch doesn’t even have all her adult teeth

bellecosby:

this bitch doesn’t even have all her adult teeth

mountainashes:

trying to make time-sensitive plans with someone who doesn’t text back quickly

image

vibes-of-lily:

I hope my back didn’t break your knife.

weedjoke420:

me: whatever. *continues to ball*